on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize