I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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