At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
