I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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