i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
