OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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