That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
