woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize