My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
