I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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