I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
