So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
