the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize