My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
