We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
