Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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