I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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