the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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