Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
