I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
