It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
