Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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