You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
