I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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