??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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