Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
