I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
