dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
