I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
