i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
