so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
