Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
