Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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