Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm having to shit out rocks
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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