So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
