I am spending my child support on dildos
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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