my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
