He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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