i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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