You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You're like the curious george of whores
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
