It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
All I want is dick and wine.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
