you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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