I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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