how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
