I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
