Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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