Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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