so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
