My hand turned me down
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Pooping to opera.
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