If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
