The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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