Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
