My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
