I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
