My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
