I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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