it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
