just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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