he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
