Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
