theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize