I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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