how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize