Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
