life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
me + whiskey = a bad person
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
