I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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