I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
