I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
