What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
