I didn't shave. On purpose
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
