hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
